Meanwhile on Facebook…

Recently I made a Facebook status update in order to get rid of useless people.

To all those friends that can’t be bothered to “socialize” or have even the most basic of communications with me on Facebook or in real life, why are you my friend? Why am I yours? I’m not bitching or crying about wanting attention or validation. I’m simply asking for confirmation of some semblance of a obviously forgotten friendship, to make sure I’m not wasting my time or energy. It’s as simple as that. Otherwise I will say bye bye. I’m a realist. I deal in logic. If you can’t be bothered with me, well then I can very easily not be bothered with you. Cutting people from my life without remorse or regret is my super power. Plus if I wanted to be ignored, I’d have my family on this thing.

Burger King Remix Y’all!

I’ve been in the advertising field as a graphic designer and creative director for over 15 years, so my new favorite show is of course “The Pitch” on AMC. Is it a blatant rip-off of my reality television idea? It sure is but I’ll let it slide. Moving forward…I decided to remix the new Burger King commercial featuring everyone’s favorite perverted creepy irrelevant old man, Steven Tyler of that horrible 80′s hair band Aerosmith. Don’t argue with me on this point, Aerosmith sucks! So without further ado (adue? adoo? ahdoo? Fuck, I don’t know!)

BEHOLD…MY CREATION!

The Asshole Chronicles Part 1

Being an asshole hasn’t only been the domain of my adulthood, it was also a huge part of my childhood. I guess you could say I was kind of a prodigy when it came to being a jerk. Nowadays I use my powers for good instead of evil but I often think back on those times and wonder why anybody even wanted to be my friend. One event in particular springs up in my mind time and again. I call it…

The Mother Fucking Dirt Bike Ride.

Snack Time

This is my cat Toonces. She’s looking for a good time. She likes sunsets, cuddling, tuna and eating her own ass. Her dislikes include other cats, dirty litter boxes and anybody else trying to eat her ass. Eating her ass is her job and she’ll be damned if anybody else eats it but her.

Before you ask, the answers yes, I’m bored.

This one time at drunk camp…

When I was younger I did many, many dumb things. Things like passing out drunk in my car outside my friends house while trying to go on a beer run despite a keg on the porch that was half full and waiting just for me. When I awoke, I called my friend frantically and told her I was lost. I had no idea where I was or how long I had been gone. She asked me what street I was on. I looked around, found a street sign, Thunderbird I think it was, and told her. After what I can only imagine as a monumentous eye roll, she says to me, “your right outside”. Apparently I had never left. I don’t even want to imagine if I did. Nowadays I look back on those times and laugh. Hard to believe I did half that shit. Hard to believe i survived. Hard to believe i didn’t kill or hurt anyone. Shit like…well that’s a story for another time…or another post as it may be.

Two eggs over easy and by easy I mean…

Soaked in the urine of 10-year-old boys. Yeah you heard me right. These eggs have not only been steeped in the virgin piss but then cracked to allow the piss to penetrate fully into the boiled egg. Apparently these eggs are a “Delicacy” (slang for shit nobody in their right mind would eat) in the city of Dongyang. Check out the article from Gizmodo.

I’ve said for years now that Chinese people will eat anything. Forget the Cashew Chicken, and the Chow Mein noodles you are accustomed to because that’s not good enough for mainland Chinese folk. They rather eat shit you find crawling beneath your feet like beetles, roaches, spiders, scorpions and caterpillars. Then there’s the real freaky shit like these urine soaked eggs.

Don’t they have a Burger King near by or something? Aren’t there billions of chickens they could do something with? I had spicy honey chicken at a Chinese restaurant once and that shit was tasty! Why not eat that? Whatever China. Eat your urine soaked piss eggs. Just don’t go trying to kiss me after you do.

Let’s file this one under “Effed Up,”